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Avengers

Comics Breakdown presents: Unearthed: The Avengers #1

Well well well, look who’s come crawlin’ back to ol’ Akela! Nyaha, I knew you couldn’t keep away for long! Anyway, welcome back to Comics Breakdown proper, where we pay tribute to/make fun of the classic comics of yesteryear! Today we’re looking at Avengers #1, which debuted in Sept. 1963.

Boys! Men! Wish yourself to fitness! Girls! Women! Get back in the kitchen, apparently!

So, let’s just jump right into the action, like the Hulk is doing here. Loki’s planned an elaborate revenge scheme against his half-brother Thor, and it’s so intricate it’s bound to fail.

Here it seems Hulk can change direction mid-jump, which is a superpower you never see mentioned these days. Shame. Also, apparently he can’t just land, which makes sense if you’re a ton of green monster dropping from a great height. But you can’t have realism AND superpowers, Stan! YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD

Here’s the first example of Hank Pym being some kind of He-Man Woman Hater, but it’s far from the last.

And now, another ad:

Kids! Carefully preserve the moment when your Dad yelled at your Mom because she burned the pot roast on purpose and she countered with accusations of infidelity! They’ll deny it later, so consider this insurance against the day they keep telling you they need a grandchild!

Here’s ol’ Tony Stark, putting on the rest of his armor. Apparently it goes rigid when electrical current is applied to it, but then, don’t we all?

Batting a THOUSAND, Hank.

In case you’re confused, that’s the Hulk under that clown makeup. He’s in hiding. Because nothing’s less threatening than a gigantic, super-strong green clown.

Out of context, it’s just funny.

And now, True Believers… THE ADS

MAYBELLINE THIS MUNNY GOTS CHINESE ON IT IT’S SOME KINDA FAKE

Cripes, why isn’t this team busy terraforming Mars? Just add water! FOR A BUCK!

Citation needed.

GROG NOT SLAVE TO BIOLOGY GROG GROWS TAIL WHEN GROG WANTS TAIL (HURR HURR HURR)

Boys! Make money, why don’t’cha? Girls! Take it outside!

MAYBELLINE! THEY GOT ALL THEM DIFF’RNT KINDS A CHINA NOW! FERGIT THAT FAKE MONEY FROM BEFORE!

HOLY DING DANGIT, MAYBELLINE! MAH LORNE GREENE CUP DONE RUNNETH TH’ HELL OVER!

WHAT’RE THESE BROKEN SQUARES THEY GOTS FER SALE? I AIN’T NEVER SEEN THE LIKE! MAN, THESE FUNNYBOOKS’LL SELL ANYTHING!

It’s rude, c’mon, it’s just Imelda Marcos.

Oh, right, we were in the middle of the Avengers.

CITATION NEEDED.

Okay, I know it’s the purview of this series to make fun of comics, but I genuinely love the form, so I’m also gonna call out cool stuff. This inventive action sequence is pure Kirby. We know that Stan Lee wrote dialogue and basic plot points; he wouldn’t have detailed this panel-by-panel.

I love this kind of back and forth stuff! Attack, counter, with every action narrated by the characters themselves, in case you couldn’t figure out what your eyes were telling you.

Anyway, at some point the heroes corral Loki, who becomes radioactive as a last-ditch attempt to avoid capture. And Hank Pym, scientist extraordinaire, points out that his clever plan only worked because Loki stood on some kind of trap door that no one bothered to signal to us, the readers, ahead of time. So that one I think we can lay at Stan Lee’s feet.

Hey, I like Stan Lee. I’m just saying that he’s not a genius plotter.

What are they… avenging, exactly? Also, thanks for that unnecessary addition, Iron Man. You’re an inventor, not a wordsmith, we get it. Hulk, nice job with the Mr. T reference.

Finally, one last spate of ads:

First, is no one copyediting this? All OVER the place. Second, I know “it was a different time” probably applies here, but that shot of a guy hypnotizing a woman to fall asleep as he hovers over her bed: not a good look.

And is this guy saying I’ll only be popular and wanted by hypnotizing people into liking me?

I’m IN.

9 ne’er-do-wells

4 chartered accountants

6 deflated Thanksgiving Day Parade floats

10 Bazooka Joemen

4 Marky Marksmen

8 Orcs from Central Casting

2 Absolute units

1 half-melted figurine that QC really should’ve caught

If you know just 20 people, you still know more people than I do *sob* I’m so lonely

Anyhow, that’s today’s Comics Breakdown! Tomorrow we’ll check out issue #2 of The Avengers! Quake in your boots, True Believers, because it’s ON!

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