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Avengers

Unearthed: The Avengers #3

Welcome, True Believers, to a larger-than-usual Comics Breakdown! Today we’re looking at The Avengers, Issue 3, featuring Namor, the Sub-Mariner! Whether or not you know him, having him in the Avengers was a big deal at the time. Dude started life NOT as a Marvel character… but that’s a story for another time. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

But first, as always… THE ADS

Tech should have stopped at this.

In this episode, the part of Thor will be played by George Clooney.

The part of Iron Man will be played by Peter Lorre.

And the part of Giant Man will be played by… hmm. Thomas Hayden Church?

I don’t recall having that reaction when he did finally come in.

Just as the OTHER billionaire superhero does decades later, Tony Stark invents and flaunts his new privacy-destroying tech just ’cause he can. Money: it’s a helluva drug.

I’m sorry, that’s the worst Spider-Man I’ve ever seen.

Why didn’t the cover mention any of THESE guest appearances?

Listen, I’ve tried this. It’s not as easy to trace a live image as you guys seem to think. My failures echo down the years to this day. Am able to sleep at night… BUT STILL THE DREAMS COME

I don’t know what this is about, but I LOVE IT

Listen, we ALL have a crush on him, Bruce… if that IS your name (stay tuned for more on THAT).

Put the two together, Hulk: the most powerful SCIENTIST walking the Earth!

Holy crap, Jane, he gave you a JOB. In THIS economy. Now’s not the TIME

I’m sorry, but this is hilarious.

More visual ingenuity from Kirby! I’d like to believe cacti can do this.

CITATION NEEDED

He’ll rip the tag RIGHT OFF THE MATTRESS, don’t PROVOKE HIM

And now, just as we want more action: the ads

I — I can see into my own BRAIN

What, you didn’t give your kids grenades to play with? What’re you, scared?

… okay, this is maybe a bit too far.

I’ve mentioned before how the laws of physics are… different in the MCU, right?

Right. It’s not like you have armor or anything. Y’dingus.

That coin’s KILLED, AND IT’LL KILL AGAIN

I don’t… how, exactly? Why?

I recently rhapsodized over Kirby’s awesome fake tech, and here’s more. C’mon, that just LOOKS AWESOME

Is THIS where the current trend of plucking and shaping eyebrows came from? ‘Cause WOW, no.

Hold on, Namor, you gotta FINESSE a guy like the Hulk.

Once again, Stan Lee makes it clear he knows how to write women.

Sorry, bit’ve a typo there. It should actually read “more than 30,000 boys 12 or older now BEING SOLD TO 900,000 families.

Wasp: Will do, lover boy!

Giant Man: *embarrassed* Wasp! Not NOW! *tee hee*

It’s the one with the pinstripes.

I don’t… what

Measles

Communist ducks

The healing powers of duct tape

My tia Concepcion

Old episodes of Riptide

Milk up your nose

Shaddap You Face Part 2

Lissen, I gots millions of thems, DON’T MAKE ME PROVE IT

This is just to prove that there were some bright spots of inclusion in the 60s for our Trans cousins.

Wh-what is he DOING TO HIS ARM

Mister Unrelenting Compassion

Three words! First word, it’s a sh-short word, it’s, ‘An’? ‘The’! The first word is The! Okay, second word, sounds like… sounds like… burn? Ouch? Fire? I don’t… sounds like, yeah I GOT that part… sounds like… hurt? Boo boo? WHAT’RE YOU TRYING TO SAY NAMOR

HAWT

… “Bob”?

Some dodgy anatomy going on here, but whatever, Kirby still makes it look powerful. And that’s the last we’ll see of Namor… in THIS issue, at least. So to stave off the bereavement that’s coming, some final ads:

Sorry, I’m trying not to swear here, but WHAT

Step one: put the comic book down, Stanley.

And there you have it, another titanic, amazing Comics Breakdown! In the next couple of days, we’ll look at the next couple of Avengers issues, then we’re moving on! What’ll get the CB treatment next? Who can say?

I can. And I’m gonna. Stick with me, kids, we’re headed to the TOP!

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