Unearthed: Avengers #5

Today we’re havin’ a gander at Avengers #5, and it’s fitting that we’re halting our Avengers run (for now) with this one, as it’s kind of a… well, not ‘bad’ issue, certainly, but even the characters themselves seem to regard it as a bit odd. After today, we’re moving on to a new classic title. I haven’t decided which, yet, but it’ll be great, trust me.

Anyway, as always, we begin with the ads:

I’d be more incensed at the implication that my family’s got educational gaps… except that it’s true. We didn’t know there was such a thing as a self-teaching encyclopedia, for example.

“Acrobatic tricks”. That’s what they called it back in your day, Cap? HURR HURR HURR

Before Robert Downey, Jr. got his hands on the role, Tony Stark used to be quite a different figure. Now, I’ve never spent much time on the veracity of this kind of wound (which sounds like a kind of ‘sucking chest wound’, but think about the antics of a man actually seconds away from death at all times. It’s kind of crazy when you think about it.

But I will say that as a character, I think I prefer the non-quippy Stark over the annoying, answer-for-everything Stark we have these days.

Stan Lee’s track record for writing genuine female portrayals continues to amaze.

Either Thor’s actually unaware of Jane’s feelings or he’s just being a dick about it. Which is better?

Cripes, scale it back a bit, Cap. When the hell would I ever even NEED to do a stunt like that? Well, maybe at the vet.

Junior, your Dad told you not to go around touching strange men’s hammers. Aw, but look how happy it makes Thor!

Just a break from being snarky here to say: holy cats, look at Kirby’s imagery here. This guy practically INVENTED cosmic-level visuals and some amazing texture work.

Molto, no! Why’s it always the good men who are thrust aside by lava men with evil magic sticks? Wait, I think I just answered my own question.

See? Would today’s Tony Stark show compassion like this? No! He’d probably say something like “Hey, back off, Hot Pockets! Last time I had to take care of a burning sensation around my crotch, I was getting treated for gonorrhea!”

Man, I should write for Marvel!

Wow, how hot does it have to be for your thoughts to stutter?

Last issue we established Cap was a top… now I’m wondering if he doesn’t just switch when he needs to.

Been mentioned on this channel before, but MAN, things work fast in the MCU.

As mentioned at the top, even the Avengers are like… ‘So… you guys wanna just… hang out?”

See? DAMMIT, STAN! It’s not just me, right?

Even Stan Lee knows it. “Yeah, uh, NEXT issue, guys, we promise! It’ll… it’ll be good. Heh.”

Fortunately, we’re ending this issue with something that will stick with you forever:


Oh, well, hell, that helps clear it up.

Become a horrifying Pac-Man-eyed mutant like this guy and EARN BIG!

This is how the drug trade began in America.

Remember, kids, tomorrow: a brand-new Comics Breakdown, featuring a brand-new comic book title! WHO WILL IT BE? Stay tuned to find out, True Believers!