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JLA

Unearthed: Justice League of America #3

Uh, oh! Hi! I — I didn’t see you there. *puts echidna down* Welcome to a new Comics Breakdown, today featuring JLA #3! These stories continue to be completely inexplicable to me.

These adventures are, essentially, weird exercises in problem-solving. The JLA is forced into arbitrary situations that test their lateral thinking skills, producing solutions that no one could have predicted. It’s like playing those early Sierra adventure games, where the answer is to combine three objects in completely non-intuitive ways. These stories lack any kind of dramatic tension or personality… except, of course, for Snapper Carr, whose personality makes me want to imprison him in an echo chamber that magnifies the sound of his incessant finger snapping to the point where it kills him, “A Quiet Place” style.

That’s no bell… it’s the Pixar desk lamp! RUN, LITTLE LAMP! RU — sorry… HOP! HOP FOR YOUR LIFE!

Why is he narrating to himself something he already knows?

Pfft. You don’t have a DATE, Scrappy-Doo.

His rivals are Angelina Jolie, an affectless metal Ray Walston and a Gorn. I cannot think of three more DANGEROUS opponents.

Aquaman’s getting a little Stockholm Syndrome here, you can see it on his face.

This is the most perfect expression in comics history.

Ssssoooo… we’re meant to believe that somehow these missiles are going faster and faster in an attempt to catch up with J’onn? That they don’t just have a top speed like all missiles? That they’re not able to withstand the speeds which they were BUILT TO ACHIEVE?

Every. Single. Issue.

Okay, see? THIS is what I’m talking about. WHAT? Somehow J’onn is a super scientist too? Oh, and let’s not dismiss the casual dropping of “… my Martian knowledge of transmutation”. Which is magic, basically.

This is a little like saying “I’ll rig up a nuclear missile with my ability to move atoms together, so I can kill this fly.”

Okay, come ON.

Great Note, thanks. Changes NOTHING.

Derpiest manta ever.

I’m a little off-put by the way Aquaman’s “struggling” here. It’s probably a good thing we can’t see the front of his briefs.

How does she know this about a stranger from another planet that she’s never met?

From the letters section. It’s pretty clear this is not a real person, because no one could love Snapper Carr.

He’s so dazed, in fact, that he’s still able to think clearly enough to elucidate his thoughts.

That’s what HE said.

What, too soon?

Read this however many times you must to really understand the deus ex machinae on display here.

At least until your power ring runs out of energy again, GL, or the second you get distracted and forget to maintain the force-field.

“Someday”, Supes? With no way to monitor this planet, you’re just going to make this promise? Actually, this would be the least ludicrous thing to happen in this story, so, sure.

And what would these Comics Breakdowns be without the ads?

Oh, women ALWAYS say this. If you’re a woman reading this post, you’re probably saying it right now. I explicitly believe everything comic book ads tell me. I am a lonely man.

Why is rolling off a log the exemplar of ease? Surely there are even easier things? I mean, I couldn’t roll off a log right now if I wanted to. I’d have to FIND a log to begin with, then commit the onerous task of getting ON the log, the work out the logistics of which way to roll OFF it… cripes, I’m tired already. Guess there’s no photo ring for me. Which bums me out, ’cause I have this inspiring photo of Rasputin, Patron Saint of Survival.

And speaking of survival, I’d like to remind you, Dear Reader, that I’ve got a Patreon going! patreon.com/comicsbreakdown! For a mere $3/month, you can support the weekdaily episodes of Comics Breakdown and the twice-monthly episodes of Marvel Retold! If you can’t afford to become a Patron, that’s okay; please spread the word about what we’re doing with this site. It would help us a lot in our efforts to bring a little comic culture history to the masses. Thanks, and we’ll see you tomorrow with Justice League of America #4!

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