Unearthed: Justice League of America #5

Today we’re wrapping up our JLA series (for now!) with a look at issue 5, which actually features supervillains for a change! I know, I’m all tingly just thinking about it! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Have you ever seen Superman so tiny on a cover before? And apparently unable to fly for some reason? At the other end of the spectrum, J’onn looks like he’s getting his Twyla Tharp on. Good on ya, J’onn, don’t forget the jazz hands.

And you, Dear Reader, should never forget… THE ADS

I’m really hoping there’s a comic out there featuring a smarmy chef teaming up with a well-meaning but bumbling baseball player to search for the missing nose bridge of a Hollywood starlet. This may be as close as we get.

First page and J’onn is STILL at it! That’s right, J’onn! Play to the cheap seats! Emote! EMOTE HARDER

Diana’s acting concerned, but she’s secretly thrilled, you can tell by the way she’s thinking that sentence.

Once again, the Flash: fast enough to circle the globe in a second, not fast enough to prevent himself from falling into a trap.

“… and grasping Green Arrow, yanked his arm clean out of its socket!”

When will Professor Menace get tenure?

Or would Flash use his super-speed to simply run across its surface, which he has shown he can easily do? Turns out: nope. Oh! Oh! Or would he use his ability to vibrate his molecules so fast he can phase right through solid matter? Nu-uh. I can’t remember how they actually get out of this, because it’s too boring to keep in my brain box.

But hey, speaking of archery:

I don’t… why is this here?

“… and I’ll be the first to admit it: I got tingles!”

Is Aquaman a non-native English speaker? Or simply a bot of some kind?

Aquaman has let us ALL down, but it wasn’t gradual.

“Lightnings”? And is it just me, or is J’onn saying this to GL somewhat reproachfully? As though he didn’t have his OWN stupid weakness? And hey, it’s about time for THAT to show up…

There we go.

Pfft. Of COURSE.

I’m a little confused by Green Arrow’s eye mask. From the side, there’s no white bits. From the front, there they are.

Also, yet another misunderstanding for a whole issue that could’ve been easily avoided by Arrow yelling “THEY’RE ROBOTS, GUYS”.

If you’re using fishhooks on the ends of your arrows to catch fish, remember you can just SHOOT THE FISH WITH AN ARROW.

Staring Batman RIGHT in his face.

Wow. Look at them hurry.

There’s probably a reason you’ve never heard of Clyde Beatty and the Cole Brothers. But hey, Superman endorses them, so I’m sure they’re legit.

And man, he’s THRILLED to be there.

Not all at once, mind you. And playing Madden on the Dreamcast.

In the same way that John Cusack waited for Ione Skye to see him holding the boombox over his head.

This just gets more and more creepy.

Dammit, we were SO CLOSE.

And now let’s close it out with a couple of ads.

Looked sharp, yes, but Timmy learned the true meaning of ‘sharp’ when he stacked it trying to leap his best friend in the high school parking lot and gave himself a premature shave with the jagged remains of the windshield.

That kid on the right? Steve Jobs. Don’t ever let them tell you he got those amazing ideas all on his own.

And that’s it for today’s Comics Breakdown! Join us on Wednesday for a brand-new title! What’ll it be? You think I’m gonna tell YOU? What’m I, your mother?