Unearthed: The Justice League of America #1

These old DC comics are just exercises in dream logic. As you read them you just kind of accept that things happen, but when you stop for half a second, you realize it’s complete nonsense. And that’s the ethos of this website! So here we go, as all great adventures begin, with the ads:

Use your voice to distract people away from the young boy you’ve trapped in your trunk!

I — I’m not sure what’s being advertised here.

The lung cancer is just a fun bonus.

This is how you know Diana’s the one in charge: hers is the only one in the list here with her own logo.

Millennials, this is how the 60s regarded those who colored their hair. Your great-grandparents walked so you could run.

Your daughter’s expression reveals how she feels about your weapon, Jasonar.

Okay, THIS is what I was talking about. At first glance, you’re all “Diana saved the Statue of Liberty, yay!” Then you think “Wait, a lightning bolt wouldn’t have destroyed–” but your brain interrupts THAT thought with “Her plane didn’t NEED to ‘match the speed of that lightning bolt’ because it wasn’t getting in the way of–” and THEN it interrupts AGAIN with “Moving the Statue like that would ABSOLUTELY destroy it!”

So yeah, welcome to the JLA.

In this issue of the Justice League of America, the role of Despero will be played by one of those frilled lizards that makes me laugh when I watch it run across the desert on its hind legs.

In this panel, the role of Despero will be played by Jim Carrey.

In this panel, the role of Despero will be played by Marty Feldman.

Then, suddenly… AN AD:

The hell you gonna do with a signet ring? Also, is there only ONE? Is that why you have to “be first”?

I’m way more invested in this story than in whatever the JLA’s up to. Also, the writer invested far too much verisimilitude into the character of the mom by having her fumble for the term ‘hot rod’.

Wonder Woman’s Spanx are incredible.

Diana ably demonstrates how American Democracy works.

Here’s another example of nonsense. They go out of their way to remind you how stupid Green Lantern’s weakness against YELLOW is, and in the very next panel, make a point of explaining this yellow machine’s geostationary position, which has NO BEARING on this stupid story. Ahem.

Green Lantern demonstrates the typical human attitude toward climate change.

Imagine if a weirdly-dressed alien being abducted you and your entire neighborhood, placed you on a weird solar machine, and forced you to urinate all over it before flinging you haphazardly back in your neighborhood’s general direction.