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Superman

Unearthed: Action Comics #1, Part 1

Jeepaz creepaz! Have you ever read the first appearance of Superman? It’s not what you think!

Notice that there’s really nothing on this cover to indicate that Superman is a hero. As we’ll see in the following pages, he… makes some dodgy choices. But first:

1938… what was a dollar worth? Five dollars? Not bad for coloring your black and white comic! Unless, of course, you consider that actually doing that reduces the resale value of the comic QUITE a bit. It’ll go from about three million dollars down to, what, a cup of lukewarm tea. But hey! … … … art.

Remember that this is the first time anyone had heard of Superman, and watch how friggin’ quickly they breeze through this origin story.

Which planet? Old age? What scientist? Why Earth? What the hell’s going on?

No Ma and Pa Kent! Kid goes to an orphanage! Imagine how terrifying an infant with super strength would be. How you gonna get him to eat his peas if he don’ wanna? Hell, he’s made that guy’s pince-nez pop right offa his face!

“When maturity was reached…” Whoa whoa whoa, back up! What about his entire childhood? Did he KILL the people who ran the orphanage and that’s why he was never put into a lab and studied by scientists? Was he bullied in school? Was HE the bully? What about his first time with a woman or man? There’s SO MUCH we need to know, and the only thing we’re getting here is a rundown of his powers. Look! He’s freaking out that crowd of people! This is still just the FOURTH PANEL.

CITATION NEEDED

Also, ‘millions of years advanced’ implies that, should humanity live to be millions of years old, WE will all have superpowers. Which… really, dude? You’re calling this science?

Hey, here he is at last! For all we know, kidnapping an innocent woman.

I… I don’t know what’s…

Is the emblem on his chest still an ‘s’? Kinda looks like an ‘e’ to me. Has he become a public figure yet? If no one knows who you are, what are you trying to tell them with a symbol? “Hey, did you hear about that new superhero, S Guy?” “No, what’s the ‘s’ stand for?” “Something.”

Seriously, Supes is just kind of a bully, early on. And what’s on his chest NOW? Is that an Illuminati symbol?

Why does the Governor have a steel door in his house? Did they even have Panic Rooms back in 1938?

Check it out: Superman is shot at…

… and in the next panel we’re TOLD it ricochets off, instead of being SHOWN. Sorry, is this not a comic book, an inherently visual medium?

Why isn’t she in handcuffs? Do they usually let people about to be electrocuted just wander around like this? Also, is that the specter of Death behind the priest?

“Point of fact, sir, we don’t know what Superman’s motives are. Maybe he forced that other woman to write that confession because he hates her. You can’t be sure.”

“Jenkins, don’t bring your personal feelings about your ex-wife into this.”

“I’M JUST SAYING.”

I think this is as good a place as any to stop. DRAMATICLIKE!

Join us on Friday for more Action Comics #1!

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