Unearthed: The X-Men #2

Omigosh, it’s YOU! I’m so sorry the place is a mess; I’m having someone working on the site a bit to make it even better! Watch this space! Until then, let’s glory in the power of X-Men #2, featuring The Vanisher!

It’s a bald dudes face-off! Who’s the baldest and the baddest? The answer may SHOCK YOU!

But first, here’s Angel getting molested by random women. Take THAT, Incels! What? I don’t know.

Okay. In an issue where the villain has an ACTUAL teleportation power, Stan Lee’s calling this teleportation? But the final exclamation is still pretty funny.

And here’s Cyclops getting molested by random men. See? Something for everyone.

Also, Stan: what weird world do you live in where ice turns other things into ice cubes?

These early issues are famous for Stan Lee thinking something cool and just putting it into the comic without thinking it through. First, the ability to project your thoughts visually onto a surface is… a little outside of what Xavier can actually do. Second, just put that image in their MINDS, Charles! Come ON! Cut out the middleman!

Don’t think I don’t appreciate the cool wide-angle action shot here, Jack, sir, but… how BIG did this room suddenly get? Also, I love Xavier’s “every moment is a teachable moment” methodology. Also also, throughout this issue, Marvel Girl is CONSTANTLY being told she’s beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Thanks, Stan.

Ain’t “unexpected” if you tell him they’re coming, Prof.

It… it’s not like the Vanisher MOVES quickly so much as he just DISAPPEARS, Charles, so no matter how fast Angel flies… oh, you’ve released the missile already. Okay, good on ya.

So… Beast is more difficult to trap because he’s more over-confident? Shouldn’t that make him EASIER to trap?

There’s never been anyone more fabulous than The Vanisher. Adored by rough trade criminals, his cigarettes lit for him, fruit brought to him, that amazing outfit… GAY IS POWERFUL

Read that last panel again. Tell me that’s the work of a man who understands sexual politics.

Did you know Prof X had a contact in the government? I didn’t. Know why? He never comes up again.

Don’t you love Jack Kirby’s imagination? That thing’s crazy-looking. Wait… it was REAL?

Well-played, Jack. Well-played.

“Hold me tight… TIGHTER! I’m … I’m almost THERE!”

See? “Gorgeous”! Marvel Girl could probably take the entire team out by herself, yet she’s constantly condescended to and belittled by her teammates. That’s okay; she gets her revenge later when she destroys an entire alien civilization.

Too soon?

Again, Stan, what are the physics like in the universe YOU inhabit?

CANONICAL! Cyclop’s beams are HEAT BEAMS! Gail Simone, where are you?

“Quiet, Beast! You know the Professor can hear our THOUGHTS, right?”

“Wh-what? So he… he knows when I’m thinking dirty thoughts of Jean?”

“Well, we ALL are, so that’s not a tough one.”

Haha, yeah, let’s ALL laugh! Until…

Xavier doesn’t just turn off his power, which we know he can do, but actually ERASES THIS GUY’S MEMORY. So the lesson here is: don’t come at Xavier if you’re also bald. He’ll DEAL WITH YOU.

It’s true, the puns are the worst part of superheroics.

I… was that a quip? I don’t… I don’t even know how to classify this.

… the MUTANT brain, Xavier. For a guy whose whole raison d’etre is helping promote mutant lives, you keep making this mistake.

And that’s X-Men #2! Keep these early stories in mind as we go into Friday, which will see the latest episode of Marvel Retold! In this one Xavier tests Cerebro for the first time… what will he find? Tune in and find out!