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X-Men

Unearthed: The X-Men #3

Some delightful shenanigans for you, True Believers! Today’s X-Men adventure introduces… THE BLOB!

We don’t find out until later, but his name’s Fred J. Dukes. Perfect. On we go!

You may never see this again: Cyclops is firing his optic blasts WITHOUT HIS VISOR. Continuity was NOT A THING back in The Day.

Also, at this point, still heat-based.

Okay. Warren saying he wants a FEMALE is full-on peak Stan Lee. Jean’s expression says it all.

Why, Xavier? ‘Cause she’s a WEAK GIRL? You’re TRAINING her to fight bad guys! Oh, but hey, it’s actually even worse than this:

Holy SH*T. You know, Pete Holmes wrote something kind of similar, but we all thought he was just making it up. Ha. Hahahaha.

Oh, but right, the Blob. I’m not sure why Stan the Man thought the ability to keep someone from moving you was a great idea for a superpower. And is it just me, or is this a wasted opportunity to turn that second panel into an issue of The X-Rated Men?

Whatever, Xavier thinks the Blob is awesome enough to bring into the X-Men. In fact, he WILL start crankin’, Blob. That’s how much he admires you. HURR HURR HURR

I sincerely hope you all didn’t think this blog was highbrow.

Turns out the X-Men are the villains of this piece! C’mon. With eyebrows like that, you didn’t think Xavier was a GOOD GUY, did you? HE WIPED A GUY’S MIND LAST ISSUE.

Holy crap, Xavier’s ordering a hit on the Blob.

Sure. It starts with a single use case, then later becomes the means to control the world. News flash: XAVIER AIN’T A GOOD DUDE.

This panel out of context was just too good not to share.

The Blob inexplicably, and for just one panel, goes bald.

Jean learned this by watching Looney Tunes. You should see the tunnel she painted on the back wall.

One word: Svenzaldo.

How in the Hell of the Horny Dragon was this EVER supposed to stop him?

Honestly, Angel, you’re the worst.

HOLY CRAP HE’S DOING IT AGAIN

Aww, hey, just the way to finish an action-packed issue of nonstop fun, culminating in the erasure of a sapient being’s memories against their will: a tiny portrait of superheroes in regular clothes. The House of Ideas, y’all.

And that’s it for the X-Men… FOR NOW. Just us back here on Wednesday for a new title! What’ll it be? Not even WE know! Sadly.

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