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The Flash

Unearthed: Flash Comics #1, Part 1

We’re back to classic origin stories! Jay Garrick may not be the household name that Barry Allen is — in fact, I don’t know that Barry Allen is a household name either — but he’s the original Flash! And today we’re taking a look at how he came to be. STRAP IN

I love the hubris of this cover. Jay’s all “I’m fast enough to catch this bullet!” then half a second later, “AUGH THE BULLET WENT RIGHT THROUGH MY HAAAAAND”

Also, Johnny Thunder, who just looks like a dude punching another dude. Wearing a stockboy’s smock, no less. I’M IN

Oh, and Cliff Cornwall.

Sure, why not.

Man, those lovable scamps, getting a head start on their lives of crime. Kid’s got a GUN, Santa! Where’s your Goodness Radar at?

The great Gardner Fox wrote this one, and you can just HEAR him flipping through his thesaurus: “What’s another word for ‘fast’?”

Also, “the dismay of scientists”? Why would scientists be upset that this guy’s so fast? Surely they’d be THRILLED to have something new to research and experiment on? Unless they’re having trouble getting funded, of course, but surely there are military applications for superspeed? C’mon, Science, get your head out of it!

So here we have good ol’ Jay Garrick, college student. But he seems older, doesn’t he? And here we also have Joan, who’s clearly ignoring him. Man, that takes me back to MY university days. *sobs* g-good times

Also, “the fastest thing on Earth” is a weird way to be known. Faster than light? I don’t think so. Faster than SHAME? I DON’T THINK SO

WE DON’T WANT NO SCRUBS, JAY

In the third panel, the role of Joan will be played by Joan Crawford.

He’s been studying hard water for three years? What the hell could he possibly have been DOING all that time? I can study hard water for 10 minutes and know all about it. Of course, he’s also been breathing in fumes for three years, so that explains his inexplicable desire for Joan.

And is it just me, or is it weird that this scientist guy has black hair but a white mustache?

Seriously, it’s 3:30 AM and he’s STILL AT IT? I get that he’s SLOW, but this is just stupid. But hey, that’s okay, because this smoke break was brought to you by King Cigarettes! When you light up a King, you’re royalty!

Why is the floor metal, again? Was that really a necessary detail? The retorts wouldn’t shatter on a stone floor?

What, college life? Trying to be interesting? Remaining upright like a hominid?

“JAY! ANSWER ME! WILL YOU OR WON’T YOU GO TO THE PROM WITH ME?”

Jay is such a placemat even the candy stripers give him sass… and he takes it!

CITATION NEEDED

Cripes, I’m concerned that this medical professional can’t tell the difference between the wind and a ghost.

Jay, she KNOWS WHO YOU ARE ALREADY. And Joan, he appeared BEHIND you. Why are we interested in this couple again?

Honestly, I’m really confused by the dialogue in this issue. Isn’t “I’m going to faint” already a statement of fact? Did she NEED to follow it with “And I think I will”? This lady’s a LIBRARIAN. The hell kind of books are in this library? “War and Peace and Danger and Safety”? “War of the Worlds and Battle of the Planets”? “Animal Farm and Creature Barn”?

“Freak of science” must have been a common phrase of the day because we’ve seen it now twice in this issue. And I love the offhanded reply of Jay’s here. “Oh, yeah, I gots superspeed now. Whatever. You wanna make out?”

Cripes, what’s up with Joan’s single-minded love of football? She got money on this game or something? Guido the Nose gonna break her gams if the home team loses?

But will Jay make the difference in the next game, or will he just be a super-fast scrub? Only Friday’s Unearthed will tell us! JOIN US, WON’T YOU?

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