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The Flash

Unearthed: Flash Comics #1, Part Four

We’re done with the adventures of Jay Garrick for now, but what else does this issue have to offer?

These early adventurers always had a dumb nickname before their surname, and they never bothered to explain how they got that name. Nevermind the fact that “Cliff” can just be a straight-up REGULAR name. But hey, I’m excited. Are you? You shouldn’t be.

“I’ll find them… or else…!”

“Or else you won’t?”

“,,, yes.”

“You want ugly? You ever see a sucking chest wound, Opie?”

Lys, are you frequently bothered by black planes disguised as humans?

“You have a two-seat plane, you sicko. I’m sitting behind you where it’s safe.”

That’s progress? What on earth was he calling you before?

“You can fly a plane? You? A girl?”

“Yeah, we ladies can do anything! There are women drivers, women singers, women MOTHERS”

“That loaded bomber gives me an idea.”

*drains a bottle of whiskey*

The bombs create some pretty, rainbow-colored bushes.

Dangit, I like this Lys character. Too bad she had to attach herself to this loser “Cliff” guy. But hey, forget that, we’re looking at the origin of HAWKMAN now!

Hawkman’s pert buttocks are giving Robin a run for his money here.

How sleepy could he possibly be? He’s certainly awake enough to narrate the hell out of this sequence.

HAWT DREAM

True to life. You know all about those blond Egyptians.

N’yawww, they’re adorable, aren’t they? What could possibly come between these lovebirds?

Seriously? That’s all it took? A single arrow to the shoulder and you’re DONE?

Okay, as far as death scene curses go, did you have to wish that the BOTH of you come back to life? Why not just you, Khufu? IF THAT IS YOUR NAME.

Psst… he’s talkin’ to KNIVES, kids!

Also, dude: it was a DREAM. You really gonna base an entire superhero thing on that? Ehnh, it’s no less dumb than anything else, I guess.

What’s this? No worries, Carter, it’s just a bunch of people screaming the exact same thing at the same time.

“I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, mister, but that one takes the cake!” *pepper sprays him*

“No, it wasn’t a nightmare, because you were with me!”

“… no, that’s EXACTLY why they were nightmares.”

“Stop calling me Shiera. My name’s Muriel. Muriel Dukakis from the typing pool. I work in your office. We’ve known each other for years. Hello? Okay, crazy man, you go on ahead.”

Why is this the first time we’re hearing about this “ninth metal”? Are there eight other metals? Let’s name them!

Oh wait, we’re out of time. But join us on Wednesday for the rest of this story!

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