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Wonder Woman

Unearthed: Wonder Woman 1984, Part 5

At this point, this movie isn’t just stupid, it’s actually insulting.

You knew it was coming: it’s time to make fun of 80s clothes! This is hilarious because HAHA STEVE IS DRESSED FUNNY HE MAKE ME LAUGH AND LAUGH.

Nevermind that I’ve never seen anyone dress like this outside of Beverly Hills Cop, which made this joke DURING THE 80s ITSELF. So this isn’t just unfunny, it’s derivative, too. Next.

Steve: “Who. Would. Wear. THIS?” This feels to me like a shot at a specific someone, but I’m not into COUTURE enough to know who it might be. Anyone?

Also, this sequence has Chris Pine modeling a bunch of 80s looks, and they’re clearly ad libbing. Except that neither of them are good enough to say actually funny things.

Gal Gadot especially comes off as particularly dull and unimaginative.

Just to check in, Lord has discovered that his scheme worked and his business is about to go crazy and he gets his one secretary to wish for more help and more help arrives. Great.

Here we see Barbara, looking even LESS glamorous than before, even though the Dreamstone has supposedly made her more like Diana, remember? So shouldn’t it be more obvious that she IS?

She’s entertaining a room full of scientists who are all laughing at the not-funny things she’s saying. Dear writers: again, you can’t just show us people laughing to get us to believe Barbara is now funny.

HIRE SOME COMEDIC WRITERS FOR YOG’S SAKE. YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

“All this reading seems to have cured my eyesight.” Because she’s becoming more like Diana (presumably) her eyes have gotten better. And yet she’s totally clueless about it.

Hey, remember when you WISHED for this to happen, Barbara? Have you actually FORGOTTEN that you did? It was LAST NIGHT. Most people would say “Wow, my wish came true!”

Plot point: Diana discovers that Lord has the Dreamstone. Barbara says Lord borrowed it. Yet the last time we saw Lord and Barbara together, Lord was HIDING IT BEHIND HIS BACK.

So now the script is contradicting itself. Always the sign of a well-produced story.

Diana and Trevor go to Blackrock, Lord’s business. This is the scene outside the place, with crowds and cops everywhere. Why? We’re never told. Sloppy. Just sloppy.

Steve leads Diana to this loading area and asks her to break the lock. Simple, for Diana’s strength. Yet she struggles with it for a bit before finally snapping it off.

Okay. Another example of “Hey, you need to explain the rules of magic to us, or you make us guess.” Making us guess what’s going on — in THIS movie — doesn’t make it a better story. You can’t and SHOULDN’T M. Night Shyalaman a superhero movie this way. It’s not clever storytelling, it’s just presumptive and lazy.

And why give Chris Pine the 80s unshaven look? It doesn’t look cool, it just looks messy.

This really is the worst script. Diana blows some dust off a book and says “So dusty”. Yeah, we can see that. Soon she’s shown a ticket for Cairo and she says “Cairo”. YEAH WE HEARD HIM SAY IT TOO.

The dust coating the place is the dust of the destroyed Dreamstone. Here’s the brass ring that used to hold it. Apparently there’s an inscription here Diana didn’t see before because the stone obscured it. Fair.

But while she recognizes that this is the “language of the gods”, she doesn’t actually tell us what it says. Surely she knows?

Steve: “You look like you saw a ghost.” Diana: “I did”. No, you didn’t. You saw some writing that you either didn’t understand or CAN read but didn’t. That’s not ‘seeing a ghost’.

Then she explains that there’s lots of gods, they do different things for different reasons. So… pretty much like EVERYONE does.

“There are universal elements in this world”. What the hell does that MEAN? What a NOTHING statement that is. She’s saying this Dreamstone is powerful because it has a universal element in it. You’re just NOW realizing it’s powerful? You didn’t realize that the moment you wished your dead boyfriend back to life?

Then she say her Lasso of Truth is powered by Truth, and that the Truth is “bigger than all of us”. Remember the MESSAGE from Part 1? It’s back! So this thing is powered by SOMETHING. But what?

Steve finds a ticket to Cairo in the trash can. Sorry, doesn’t Lord need that ticket to GO to Cairo? Not in THIS movie.

Diana says they can’t fly to Cairo because Steve doesn’t have a passport. Steve says he wants to FLY himself to Cairo, not just be a passenger. Which leads to…

Diana takes him to some kind of aeronautics archives. Is this a real thing the Smithsonian has? You can see where this is going, right? Let’s unpack it:

Steve doesn’t have a passport so he can’t get on a plane to Cairo, but we’re to believe he’s such a good pilot he can fly a modern jet.

There’s a real Mr. Miyagi moment when Diana tells Steve to “pick one”.

Steve picks this one. And with no training whatsoever, he’s gonna just fly it. ‘Cause all planes are exactly the same, right?

Also, do jets have side-by-side seats like this?

Yup, he’s going to just start flipping switches at random until the plane starts up. No problem. WHY DOES THE PLANE EVEN WORK? Surely mothballed jets can’t just be started up FOR THIS VERY REASON?

This is one of the two moments in the movie that actually made me laugh aloud. Diana tells Steve about radar, and he wonders aloud if they’ll shoot at them. There’s a pause, and he says “Well, SHIT, Diana.”

I found this bit to be particularly infuriating. So… you know how Wonder Woman traditionally has an invisible jet for no reason, right? The writers thought it would be cool to put that into this movie.

So Diana says “My father hid Themiscyra from the world and I’ve been trying to learn how he did it.” He father was Zeus, so that part makes sense. But how exactly was she “trying to learn”?

When was she trying? Has she STILL been trying for 40 years? What’s her methodology? Just TRY it and see if she can? Apparently, because:

She was able to do it just once before. This was the other part that actually made me laugh. “It was just a coffee cup… and I lost it.”

Nevertheless, she does it, mostly ’cause the script needed her to. ‘Cause of the shooting them down bit.

Here’s a bunch of security guys thinking they can stop a froggin’ jet just by blocking the end of the runway with their cars. Hey, remember how Diana dropped a bunch of guys onto the roof of a car in Part 1? Remember how they somehow miraculously didn’t DIE?

Same thing here. I’m not saying you’ll die if a jet flies directly over you from a distance of only 100 feet, but you’re DEFINITELY not going to still be standing there afterward going “HUH? WHERE DA PLANE WENT?”

Yay! They made it! They stole public property and they’re going to fly to Cairo! Never mind that there’s no way either of them know how to get there in a fighter jet, or even that the jet probably doesn’t have enough gas to get there, or that nobody in authority’s even TRIED to radio them. Let’s have an ADVENTURE, STEVE!

Holy cats this is so stupid. Please join me on Wednesday for Part 6!

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