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Wonder Woman

Unearthed: Wonder Woman 1984, Part 6

Man, this movie just doesn’t CARE, does it?

So they’re flying in their invisible jet. We know this ’cause Steve says “Invisible jet”. Y’know, just in case you missed the prior three minutes.

Then they fly through fireworks ’cause it’s the 4th of July apparently, and it’s a moment of magic and wonder blah blah blah.

Look how gorram high they are. Neither of them is wearing a helmet to cope with the reduced oxygen. Whatever, magic and wonder, pbbpfth.

Diana says she never understood flight. Steve goes “It’s easy. It’s wind, and air…” And he kinda names some of the elements of flight. Well thanks, Steve, that was illuminating.

Meanwhile we see Barbara speed-browsing some microfiche for no apparent reason. Then she runs off at what we’re meant to assume is Wonder Woman speed. Doesn’t really seem that fast.

Suddenly, she passes the guy who tried to assault her in Part 2. “Hey, slow down, sexy,” he calls out. “You talking to me?” she asks. “Yeah, why don’t you slow down a bit.”

And here comes an amazing comeback, a real ZINGER:

“I’d rather not.”

GOT ‘EM, BARBARA.

Then he tries to grab her, but SOMETHING stops him. Judging by her expression, it’s Barbara. But we don’t actually see her hands.

Here’s the reverse angle. She says “No.” What’s stopping him? Why isn’t the camera showing her holding him back? This is the weirdest choice in a movie full of them.

Then she slams him into a nearby van. Go empowerment! But she’s not done.

She keeps kicking him down the street. “His body weight DOES do the work,” she quips, repeating something Diana said when she rescued Barbara that night. Now, does Barbara really think this? Does she not realize she has superstrength? Or is she just toying with him and is just bad at one-liners?

She moves in for what we assume will be a kill, then she sees her friend Leon, the homeless guy, who asks her what she’s doing. “Mind your business,” she says, and runs off.

Meanwhile, Lord isn’t in Cairo at all, but a fictional DC Comics country called Bialya. This is important for universe-building. Bialya is tied up in comics history in a number of ways. So it might pop up again in future movies. We can only HOPE.

Lord tries to get this man, the king, to wish for something. He says “I wish for things one cannot attain.”

What he wants is a return to the Bialyan dynasty of yore, and the ability to remove the foreigners.

Lord says “Your wish is granted and in return I will take your oil.” Again, is this how the wishing works? Let’s unpack!

Maxwell Lord wished that he could BECOME the Dreamstone. People touch HIM, make their wish, and it’s granted. But Lord here is implying that the Stone gets to decide what it gets in return.

1) How does he know this, and 2) Does that mean that the Dreamstone was sapient? Was it dictating the terms of the wishes itself? Will this matter at all?

The king laughs and says “I sold my oil to the Saudis.” Meaning, I suppose, that Lord’s wish is worthless. However:

“Then I will take your security team,” says Lord, making a comment that now nothing will protect the king from the wrath that is about to befall him. What? Is he referring to the wish consequences?

He’s made it clear that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen; he says as much when he made Stagg wish for things to change. So how does he know any “wrath” is coming at all?

Sure enough, the security team leaves with him.

And here’s how the king’s wish is granted: a Trump-style wall. What a stupid, oversimplifying answer to the very complex wish that the king expressed.

Meanwhile, Lord is leaving at the head of a caravan of gun-toting soldiers. Diana and Steve manage to catch him going the opposite direction and they turn around to chase him.

Never mind the fact that THEY FLEW TO CAIRO and he’s in BIALYA. They have NO IDEA what his plans are and they have NO WAY to track him. Come ON.

So, cool. Lord tells his soldiers to stop them. Even though he has no idea who they are or what they want. At this point they haven’t threatened him or anything.

The soldiers have an absolutely clear line of fire and unload on their car for a full five seconds and cannot blow them up. That’s the kind of movie this is.

Diana jumps out, changing out of her clothes SO QUICKLY it’s ludicrous. That she had her costume on under the clothing, okay, sure. But changing out of them in a car with the seatbelt on in 1/2 a second? No.

It’s an easily-solved problem: just have her costume magically appear. It wouldn’t be the most stupid thing this movie’s done.

Here’s something that’s universal among superhero movies: apparently superspeed looks like you’re moving really slowly. Can we please stop using this tired visual?

It never looks like they’re going fast. It just looks stupid. You know who did it well? Captain America: Civil War. T’challa and Cap, running after the Winter Soldier, faster than the surrounding cars. They just looked like two guys running, but they were outpacing everything else. Go check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xe8gI9fk3g at 1:47.

Diana rips the steering wheel out of this truck, then tells the driver “The brakes still work.” First of all, just toss the driver out too, Diana, ’cause he’s definitely going to get into a huge accident.

Second of all, she says it in English. Why? She speaks every froggin’ language ever made, apparently.

Then this big gun is brought to bear, and fires on Steve’s car.

Here we see the bullet seeking its mark. For some reason, Diana doesn’t even try to deflect it. In fact, she watches it go by. Why?

Oh no, it’s headed toward Steve! Diana, you KNEW they were shooting at him. That’s the whole reason you got out of the car, remember? Where’d you think the bullet was going?

She whips out her lasso and does something that sounded cool on paper, but in execution just seems kinda stupid:

She catches the bullet. This just fell flat for me. She could more easily have deflected it, and to greater purpose.

And hey, remember when we saw her struggling to break the lock? So… is that still happening? And how does it work? Superstrength fading but not superspeed? Super reflexes okay? Script is all OVER the place with this.

Please join me on Friday for Part 7!

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