Unearthed: Wonder Woman 1984, Part 8

So Diana’s swinging at the end of her lasso, having rescued the kids from the road. This is maybe one second later. Why aren’t the kids screaming? They’re closing their eyes and clinging tight.

They cannot have immediately grasped everything that’s happening right at this moment. If this happened to anyone else there would at LEAST be a few seconds of “AAAH! WHAT’S HAPPENING?”

But uh-oh! The lasso is slipping out of Diana’s hands! First, I’m guessing this is another indicator that her strength isn’t what it used to be? Maybe? Like so much else in this movie, I have to guess and assume.

Second, remember she’s attached to the weathervane to the right. Why is she moving in a straight line? Oh, right: nobody knows what physics do in this film. Got it. Carry on.

So Diana falls, drops to the road, and rolls. We’re to assume she’s protecting the kids with her body, but come on, they’re not infants she can completely cocoon. They’re getting bruises at LEAST.

The truck Trevor is driving stops just in time. But the other trucks are seen weaving around her. Guys, this is your chance to run her over! You’ve been shooting at her this whole time, remember?

You expect me to believe this guys wouldn’t sacrifice these kids to get rid of this superpowered woman who attacked them?

Maxwell Lord: “Who else around here has oil?” Man, dude recovers QUICKLY.

Diana’s protecting her secret identity. I guess? Again, why? When EVERY OTHER ADULT HAS SEEN HER? And, in fact, all the surviving military guys now know about her and are getting away?

Also: an adult telling a kid “This is our secret” is a TRIGGER WARNING.

From an overheard newscast: “The Soviet Union will recognize the amir’s claim.” So many things to unpack here:

First, how is Diana hearing this? Second, why isn’t she chasing Maxwell Lord? They FLEW HERE TO GET HIM.

Third, now they’re calling this Egypt, when just five minutes ago, the Amir said it was Bialya. Fourth, the news is talking about how the Soviets are taking the Amir’s side…

“Max Lord has somehow come into possession of over half the world’s oil reserves.” This JUST HAPPENED. How is it all over the news? Either the wish made it happen so that it’s ALWAYS been this way, in which case it’s not NEWS, or, what, everyone in the world suddenly magically knows about it? HOW DOES THIS STUFF WORK, MOVIE?

Diana’s on the phone with Barbara back home, where it’s daylight, just as it is here in Egypt. What? Last I checked, Egypt is seven hours ahead of America’s East Coast.

Anyway, Barbara’s “research” on the Dreamstone has turned up some surprises. She’s saying that the stone’s all over history, in civilizations long gone by. And apparently this picture is evidence of the stone.

Seriously? That could be ANYTHING. Hardly conclusive. And the next one’s even better.

The last emperor of Rome? He had it on him when he was assassinated.” Holy cats, you can barely even make out that that’s ANYTHING AT ALL. This is research?

Barbara: “My last lead is not that promising.” Seriously. I don’t even know how she found it. Check this out:

A flyer I found. Grabbed it at the embassy… some guy advertising to be a Mayan shaman.” What? First of all, what embassy? What the hell were you doing there?

Second, you grabbed a FLYER in the pursuit of your Dreamstone research? How is this woman a scientist? What is she basing this on? Why is the fact that he’s claiming to be Mayan at all RELEVANT?

Barbara says she’s going to check the guy out in the morning. Diana says “We’ll meet you there.” ‘Cause, y’know, they’ll just jet over real quick-like. It’s no time at all to fly to America from Egypt, especially in time to make a morning check-out at an UNSPECIFIED TIME.

Diana, telling Steve about Barbara’s research. How the Dreamstone has traveled the world and been a part of many different historical civilizations. The only commonality is that “Their civilizations collapsed catastrophically.”

As opposed to all those really peaceful societal collapses.

“I don’t know what to think, Steve. I can only hope I’m wrong.” Yup. That’s ALL you can do, Diana. Use your special Amazon hoping powers. That always works.

And then, suddenly, this scene. What’s going on here? No idea.

Followed immediately by this scene. It took me a few viewings to realize that this was the movie showing us THE INVISIBLE JET LANDING. YES. Not only did they think this was an absolutely essential thing to put in the film, they FILMED AN INVISIBLE THING.

Every time I think this movie can’t get any more stupid, I’m proven wrong in the most amazing way. It’s probably taken years off my life. Please join me on Wednesday for Part 9!