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Wonder Woman

Unearthed: Wonder Woman 1984, Part 10

The hits just keep on comin’. Dammit.

Okay. Diana has noticed something on one of her screens. First, there’s no way this is any kind of public camera feed. It’s in the middle of the street, way too many floors up high. Second, it doesn’t even LOOK like it might be a camera feed. Like their inability to fake a photograph, the special effects crew can’t get this kind of video right.

Also, somehow Steve and Diana can make out the car in the middle of the screen as belonging to Maxwell Lord. How? They don’t know what he drives, and it’s so small in the screen it’s impossible to make out any distinguishing features.

Steve: “Where’s he going?” Diana: “I don’t know.” But as we soon see, they manage to find him anyway, despite his having such a huge lead it’s impossible that they can catch up to him.

So Diana sets out to find Lord somehow, and tells Steve he has to stay. Why? He’s shown he’s capable of fighting alongside her. Is she worried he’s going to try to kill Lord to end the threat of the Dreamstone? THEN TELL US THAT, MOVIE. DON’T MAKE ME GUESS IT.

Steve: “You’re getting weaker. What if you fall?” F’real? All the dangers she could face and you’re worried she’s going to FALL?

Steve: “There has to be another way in.” Another way than WHAT? Another way into WHERE? YOU’RE LEAVING KEY INFORMATION OUT, MOVIE, STOP IT.

Also, where are they, suddenly? This outside shot doesn’t look like it belongs to where Diana lives. And why is everything going crazy? Just because Lord is granting wishes all over? WHY DOES ANYTHING HAPPEN IN THIS FILM?

So… Lord’s in the White House now. What? Why? He didn’t say he was going there. The movie didn’t make any mention of the White House at all. How is he just walking in to the Oval Office? Honestly, this is the sloppiest crap. They’re not even trying to make any of it make sense.

By the way, they never refer to him by name, but this is apparently Ronal Reagan, due to the voice this actor is using and the haircut.

Lord: “Everything okay, Mr. President?” And apparently everyone just accepts that he’s there, looking increasingly crazy.

Reagan: “I thought I was somewhere else entirely.” What? What’s that supposed to mean to us, the viewing audience? This can be interpreted in so many ways, but the movie doesn’t give us ANYTHING.

Meanwhile, outside, the guard on the right has THE straightest attention pose ever and apparently either a really low bust line or something poking out of his chest cavity.

So Lord does his thing and asks the President what he wishes for. “What else is there to wish for but more?” Reagan replies. He wants more weapons to match Russia. Typical Ronnie Raygun. This is actually the most believable part of the movie.

Man, Lord’s looking bad here. But he grants Reagan’s wish and in return decides to take all his power. Seems fair.

And then he makes this proclamation: “No taxes. No rule of law. No limits.” Wanna tell me again that this guy isn’t based on Trump?

Lord notices these schematics and asks what they are. Apparently they’re for some secret satellite technology that allows the government to co-opt any transmission signal on Earth.

“I need immediate access to this satellite,” says Lord. Oboy! Now he can reach out and touch everyone, like he alluded to earlier! Why? Maybe we’ll find out! Maybe not! It’s that kind of movie.

Diana and Steve catch up to them, Diana showing off her costume. Why? She spends half her time telling people not to talk about her as though it’s all a secret, then parades around in an outfit you’d have to be blind not to see.

And how the HELL did they know to come to the White House? They couldn’t have caught up to him, they didn’t know he was planning to come here, and… well, I was GOING to say that they couldn’t have gotten through security this easily, but as we know from recent history, there’s no such thing as White House security.

She lassos Lord, who seems immune to the lasso’s powers. Which, if this movie were serious about trying to play with themes of Truth and Lies, shouldn’t be the case. There should at least be SPARKS or something. “Remove this woman, please,” he tells his agents.

The agents open fire and a bullet gets through, wounding Diana in pretty much the same place as she was wounded earlier in the movie. Why? Whothehellknows.

Thinking quickly, Steve grabs a SERVING TRAY and successfully deflects several bullets. What? Again: movie not even TRYING.

They duck into an anteroom, Steve plucks a sword off the wall, apparently intent on getting himself killed by bringing a long knife to a gunfight. Diana says “Steve, you can’t use that. It’s not their fault.” Man, Diana really thought he was going to go barbarian on those guys and slaughter them all. Look, I know you guys had an argument, but come ON.

Here’s a kinda cool thing that happens: Diana uses her lasso as a shield, deflecting the bullets as they’re fired. None of them ricochet around to kill or wound anyone, but of course that’s how physics works in this movie. Or doesn’t work, to be more accurate.

Okay, it’s difficult to tell from this screenshot, but Diana’s whipping her lasso around to fend off these guards, but she’s keeping her eye on NOTHING. What’s she looking at? Honestly, it’s baffling, the number of things this movie gets wrong.

Here she slo-mo kicks a guy into a wall. I guess we’re meant to understand that she puts her whole back into it because her strength is going? And of course, as most American movies do, it’s slow motion because Hollywood thinks that makes it more exciting. No. It gorram DOESN’T. WATCH MORE ASIAN CINEMA, HOLLYWOOD.

Lord’s getting away, so Diana grabs this agent’s gun, ejects the bullet, and backhands it. Cool move, okay, but what’s her target?

Here she’s taking aim, about to use what looks like superstrength, but if we believe the movie, she doesn’t actually have her strength anymore, but it keeps showing us she DOES, so…

Ah. She’s aiming for that vase. She could wound Lord in the leg, that’d keep him from getting away and would make more sense. But I guess she’s betting that a shard of the broken vase will get in Lord’s eye. It’s a really stupid bet, if that’s the case, but you know what? It’s that kind of movie. Let’s see what happens!

BULLSEYE!

They’re about to grab Lord, when suddenly both Steve and Diana are knocked on their asses by…

Hey, it’s Barbara! Hi Barbara! What’re you doing here? No way YOU could have known where ANY of these characters would be! But hey, say it with me: IT’S THAT KIND OF MOVIE.

Also, glad you disappeared earlier without warning… apparently you had to go change into this outfit! Makes sense. Leopard print, okay, maybe you bought that for yourself while you were feeling your newfound power. Sure, why not. But those pre-distressed nylons? Why would you have those? No way you bought them like that. And hey, you styled your hair! And you’re doing new makeup? Okay, now I see why you disappeared like that. Great work; carry on.

Please join me on Monday for Part 11!

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