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Wonder Woman

Unearthed: Wonder Woman 1984, Part 11

After a hiatus in which I managed to recover from what this movie did to me, we’re back to finish this monster off!

So, Barbara has caught up with them both, no one knows how. But she says to Diana: “Turns out wishing to be like you came with some surprises.” And I suppose the wish includes the ability to fight, because she lays it down on Diana and a bunch of cops.

For some reason, whenever Barbara runs, she does this with her hands. Maybe she thinks it makes her faster? It’s kind of weird, honestly.

It becomes clear that Diana’s pretty much lost her special abilities at this point. To be fair, this is kind of a cool fight.

“You’ve always had everything while people like me have had nothing!”

See, if THIS had been the point of the whole movie, that would’ve been great. It could’ve been a whole Killmonger Was Right thing. But this movie isn’t interested in delving into anything it brings up, apparently.

Diana: “Yes you’re strong, but what did you lose, Barbara?”

Hey, Diana, she wasn’t really anything to begin with, so she really hasn’t lost anything. The writers didn’t flesh her out enough for us to feel that this is a really cutting statement.

Barbara: “Forget about me; what is it costing YOU?” And from the look on Diana’s face after this dig, she’s hit the mark. But let’s think about this for a second.

The Dreamstone takes away your most precious whatever. Are we to think that Diana’s wish for Steve to be alive cost her her powers? Does Diana consider her powers to be her most precious thing? What about Steve? Earlier we’re led to believe that maybe Barbara’s wish to be like Diana was what was robbing Diana of her powers.

If we had been shown scenes of Diana saying “Man, I LOVE my powers! I couldn’t live without them!” then maybe this plot point would make sense.

Anyway, after kicking Diana’s butt, Barbara shows up on Lord’s Presidential helicopter as it’s flying him to safety. “Room for one more?” she asks, and he’s happy to have her.

Meanwhile, back in the White House, some kind of general walks in and announces “A hundred warheads just went online.” In Russia. Nuclear missiles that apparently nobody knew about. Okay, then how did you suddenly find out about them? There’s no such thing as a magical sensor that tells you when something appears out of nowhere.

“They’re taking this as an act of war… prepping to return fire.” And someone says “Return? What? We haven’t DONE anything.”

Yeah. What? Where’s THIS come from?

Outside, it’s chaos in the streets as DC reacts to this news. Honestly, things happen ludicrously fast in this movie. Too fast. It beggars the imagination. How do these people know what’s happening in Russia? How does the MEDIA know it? It JUST HAPPENED.

After wading through the streets, Steve pulls Diana aside and says “You know what to do.” She has to revoke her wish and regain her powers so she can stop all this. Noble sentiment, but again, let’s think about it:

Say she gets her powers back. What’s she going to do, go to Russia and forcibly disarm a hundred nuclear missiles? MAYBE she can kill Lord and undo everything that’s happened, but there’s no way she knows where the hell he is. Of course, that didn’t stop her from finding him in the White House, so whatever. She just needs her powers back, I guess. ‘Cause that’s really the message of this movie: things only matter when you have powers.

Diana: “I’ll never love again.” YOU BARELY LOVED BEFORE. Seriously, think about the entire time she had with Steve in the first movie. It wasn’t THAT long. Hey, maybe Diana’s just not emotionally mature and can’t handle it because she just hasn’t had enough real life experience. She’s kind of like a teenager in this case. Again: if the movie had presented her this way from the start, this would make more sense. But come ON.

So they have a tearful goodbye and she renounces her wish. Immediately, her powers return. And who cares? We’ve only seen ONE fight in which she didn’t have them. That’s not long enough for us to feel sad that she lost them, so their quick return means nothing. It’s not a moment of triumph, it’s just another thing that happens without real consequence in this movie.

Anyway, she runs and flings her lasso out for some reason.

She snags this nearby tower and whips herself into the air. Where’s this going?

Now she’s way up high and falling. Great. Oh, but wait…

She sees a passing jet and SNAGS IT WITH HER LASSO. Come ON, movie, you’re not even TRYING to ground yourself in ANY kind of reality now. How LONG can this lasso GET?

DIANA YOU CAN’T JUST… nevermind, she’s gone.

And now she’s flying through the air and for some reason she’s remembering Steve’s words from the jet when she asked him about flying:

“It’s only wind and air.” Which, c’mon, Scientist Steve: those are the SAME THING. And now she can fly. Or glide. It’s not clear which is happening here, which, hey, why start making sense now, right?

And here she’s making some kind of propeller? I guess?

And she flings the propeller forward to send her farther through the air? ‘Cause she just can? I don’t know why I’m still surprised by the stupid things this movie does, but I am.

And in case you were wondering how hard this movie wants to remind you of the Christopher Reeve Superman movie, here you go.

Join me on Wednesday for Part Twelve. We’re getting close to the end, y’all.

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