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Unearthed: The X-Men #3

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Some delightful shenanigans for you, True Believers! Today’s X-Men adventure introduces… THE BLOB!

We don’t find out until later, but his name’s Fred J. Dukes. Perfect. On we go!

You may never see this again: Cyclops is firing his optic blasts WITHOUT HIS VISOR. Continuity was NOT A THING back in The Day.

Also, at this point, still heat-based.

Okay. Warren saying he wants a FEMALE is full-on peak Stan Lee. Jean’s expression says it all.

Why, Xavier? ‘Cause she’s a WEAK GIRL? You’re TRAINING her to fight bad guys! Oh, but hey, it’s actually even worse than this:

Holy SH*T. You know, Pete Holmes wrote something kind of similar, but we all thought he was just making it up. Ha. Hahahaha.

Oh, but right, the Blob. I’m not sure why Stan the Man thought the ability to keep someone from moving you was a great idea for a superpower. And is it just me, or is this a wasted opportunity to turn that second panel into an issue of The X-Rated Men?

Whatever, Xavier thinks the Blob is awesome enough to bring into the X-Men. In fact, he WILL start crankin’, Blob. That’s how much he admires you. HURR HURR HURR

I sincerely hope you all didn’t think this blog was highbrow.

Turns out the X-Men are the villains of this piece! C’mon. With eyebrows like that, you didn’t think Xavier was a GOOD GUY, did you? HE WIPED A GUY’S MIND LAST ISSUE.

Holy crap, Xavier’s ordering a hit on the Blob.

Sure. It starts with a single use case, then later becomes the means to control the world. News flash: XAVIER AIN’T A GOOD DUDE.

This panel out of context was just too good not to share.

The Blob inexplicably, and for just one panel, goes bald.

Jean learned this by watching Looney Tunes. You should see the tunnel she painted on the back wall.

One word: Svenzaldo.

How in the Hell of the Horny Dragon was this EVER supposed to stop him?

Honestly, Angel, you’re the worst.


Aww, hey, just the way to finish an action-packed issue of nonstop fun, culminating in the erasure of a sapient being’s memories against their will: a tiny portrait of superheroes in regular clothes. The House of Ideas, y’all.

And that’s it for the X-Men… FOR NOW. Just us back here on Wednesday for a new title! What’ll it be? Not even WE know! Sadly.

Unearthed: The X-Men #2

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Omigosh, it’s YOU! I’m so sorry the place is a mess; I’m having someone working on the site a bit to make it even better! Watch this space! Until then, let’s glory in the power of X-Men #2, featuring The Vanisher!

It’s a bald dudes face-off! Who’s the baldest and the baddest? The answer may SHOCK YOU!

But first, here’s Angel getting molested by random women. Take THAT, Incels! What? I don’t know.

Okay. In an issue where the villain has an ACTUAL teleportation power, Stan Lee’s calling this teleportation? But the final exclamation is still pretty funny.

And here’s Cyclops getting molested by random men. See? Something for everyone.

Also, Stan: what weird world do you live in where ice turns other things into ice cubes?

These early issues are famous for Stan Lee thinking something cool and just putting it into the comic without thinking it through. First, the ability to project your thoughts visually onto a surface is… a little outside of what Xavier can actually do. Second, just put that image in their MINDS, Charles! Come ON! Cut out the middleman!

Don’t think I don’t appreciate the cool wide-angle action shot here, Jack, sir, but… how BIG did this room suddenly get? Also, I love Xavier’s “every moment is a teachable moment” methodology. Also also, throughout this issue, Marvel Girl is CONSTANTLY being told she’s beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Thanks, Stan.

Ain’t “unexpected” if you tell him they’re coming, Prof.

It… it’s not like the Vanisher MOVES quickly so much as he just DISAPPEARS, Charles, so no matter how fast Angel flies… oh, you’ve released the missile already. Okay, good on ya.

So… Beast is more difficult to trap because he’s more over-confident? Shouldn’t that make him EASIER to trap?

There’s never been anyone more fabulous than The Vanisher. Adored by rough trade criminals, his cigarettes lit for him, fruit brought to him, that amazing outfit… GAY IS POWERFUL

Read that last panel again. Tell me that’s the work of a man who understands sexual politics.

Did you know Prof X had a contact in the government? I didn’t. Know why? He never comes up again.

Don’t you love Jack Kirby’s imagination? That thing’s crazy-looking. Wait… it was REAL?

Well-played, Jack. Well-played.

“Hold me tight… TIGHTER! I’m … I’m almost THERE!”

See? “Gorgeous”! Marvel Girl could probably take the entire team out by herself, yet she’s constantly condescended to and belittled by her teammates. That’s okay; she gets her revenge later when she destroys an entire alien civilization.

Too soon?

Again, Stan, what are the physics like in the universe YOU inhabit?

CANONICAL! Cyclop’s beams are HEAT BEAMS! Gail Simone, where are you?

“Quiet, Beast! You know the Professor can hear our THOUGHTS, right?”

“Wh-what? So he… he knows when I’m thinking dirty thoughts of Jean?”
“Well, we ALL are, so that’s not a tough one.”

Haha, yeah, let’s ALL laugh! Until…

Xavier doesn’t just turn off his power, which we know he can do, but actually ERASES THIS GUY’S MEMORY. So the lesson here is: don’t come at Xavier if you’re also bald. He’ll DEAL WITH YOU.

It’s true, the puns are the worst part of superheroics.

I… was that a quip? I don’t… I don’t even know how to classify this.

… the MUTANT brain, Xavier. For a guy whose whole raison d’etre is helping promote mutant lives, you keep making this mistake.

And that’s X-Men #2! Keep these early stories in mind as we go into Friday, which will see the latest episode of Marvel Retold! In this one Xavier tests Cerebro for the first time… what will he find? Tune in and find out!

Unearthed: The X-Men #1

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If you’ve been reading our Marvel Retold series (an if you aren’t, there’s never been a better time!), you know of our love for the X-Men. And while you’ve probably seen an X-movie or two, you might not have read their origin issue… so here it is!

As always, we’re not going to give you every panel from every page; go out and get the collection for that, you cheapskate! But we’re taking a look with our usual jaundiced eyes at the classic Stan Lee/Jack Kirby… masterpiece?

“Angel! You’re stirring up everything in the room that’s not weighed down! Beast! There used to be GLASS in that window! Iceman! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU DROPPING DOWN FROM?”

“Professor X! Where’s your wheelchair? HOW DID YOU GET HERE?”

So Xavier, the bald dude, has gathered a posse of teenaged boys. Just go with it. He doesn’t have the use of his legs, has never been in the army, is not a trainer of any sort. Yet he’s got the huevos to order them around and actually GRADE THEM as they perform these frankly terrifyingly dangerous “tests” he’s concocted for them. Man, teenaged boys are DUMB.

Listen, I don’t care HOW strong you are: physics will only allow you to go SO FAST. And you may say ‘well, hey, c’mon, it’s just a comic book’. My answer will always be to run off, crying.

A rich, blond White kid being racist? Heaven forfend!

Outside of this first issue, I’ve never seen Angel do this again, but it’s really cool.

… at what age do reflexes get BETTER?

Henceforth, Cyclops here will be seen just firing so quickly it’s like there’s no actual mechanism in place to prevent his beams from coming out at all. Yet we’re told in this second panel his visor has to open, what, all the way for his beams to project? And it’s happening slowly?

Of perhaps all the X-Men, Cyclops is the one with whom I have the most problems. But we’ll get to them in due time.

“Yes… your young, supple bodies… struggling hard… SO HARD against each other…”

“Professor? Why are you breathing funny?”

Okay, brace yourselves, True Believers. When the headmaster himself comments on the beauty of one of his students, it’s TRIGGER WARNING CITY

And sure enough, boys will be boys. But! Notice that the one young man NOT ogling the arrival of Jean Grey is Iceman… who decades in real time later we’ll discover is canonically gay. Could Stan the Man have planted that reveal THIS early? I’ll leave it up to you to decide!

That’s right: the “X” in “X-Men” DOESN’T stand for “Xavier”.

That’s also right: it’s stupid.

“Human” cyclops, Xavier? Also, note that he’s officially “Slim Summers” here. Also also: why “Marvel Girl”? That doesn’t denote her power at all. In my alternate X-history headcanon, Xavier’s a huge post-Peter Gabriel Genesis fan, so he names Jean “Invisible Touch”.

Sure, that’s a long way to go to make a joke, but I have time.

Wait… so Xavier’s making a case that he was born a mutant because his parents were both irradiated? Then… how do you explain EVERY OTHER MUTANT, Prof?


“I was only trying to be friendly!” “Why don’t you smile more?” “What, can’t take a joke?” “Why you being so emotional?”

Not a good look, Beast.

Nothing takes the terror out of a threat like a refined signature.

That Magneto’s obscured by his own dialogue balloon here is hilarious.

I’m convinced no kid has ever said “YAYBO” like Stan Lee thinks they did.

Stan Lee also doesn’t quite understand how magnetism works.

Nor does he know what ice is, apparently.

Surely SOME of those things were bolted down. Like the girder with BOLTS IN IT


Even though the soldier here says “Uncanny!”, the book wouldn’t become “The Uncanny X-Men” until issue 94.

Also, what was going to happen after the fifteen minutes had elapsed?

“Uh… thank you, sir! But the X-Men aren’t IN your command.”

“What’s that now?”

“We’re not under your command.”

“I don’t understand.”

“We don’t work for you.”

“… totally not getting it.”

“We’re leaving now.”

“See you in the mess hall in twenty!”

And that’s the X-Men #1! Not what you’d expected, eh? EH? EH WOT? Blimey! Thruppence! Etc. Join us on Wednesday for X-Men #2, in which MUTANTS!